Bedtime Without Struggling

"Zachary, time for bed." "NO!" Two year old Zachary responds, running toward the playroom. Mother follows close behind, pleading, "It's time for bed, honey. C'mon, now."
"No, Mommy, no!" squeals Zachary as Mother swoops down to pick him up. Zachary's body stiffens, his back arches, and he begins kicking his feet in order to free himself of her tightening grip. Wildly, Zachary kicks his Mother as he struggles to get loose.
"Stop it! You're going to bed, NOW!" Mother declares, not to be outdone by her child's resistant behavior. Zachary begins to cry loudly as Mother, somewhat beaten and greatly exasperated, pulls off his clothes for his impending bath. This emotional and physical power struggle continues through Zachary's bath, pajamas, tooth brushing, and abruptly ends with a token kiss.
Exhausted and frustrated, Mother proceeds down the stairs hopeful for some solitude, only to hear, "Mommmmy, I want a drink. Me go potty!" Feeling guilty and yet, still angry, Mother hurriedly responds with the requested water and a brisk trip to the bathroom. Mother sets him on the bed and says evenly, "Don't let me hear another word. Good night!" Mother stomps down the stairs after slamming his door. Zachary is left huddled on his bed, crying into his pillow and Mother feels guilty and frustrated in front of the television.
Now, look at this same scene through the eyes of the child - in this case Zachary. We parents get accustomed to looking at this scene through our "adult eyes" and miss the opportunity to understand from our child's perspective.
Imagine that you are in the middle of a good book and your spouse says, "It's time for bed." In spite of your response, "No, I'm not ready just yet," you are helped unwillingly up the stairs, your clothes are removed and you are forced into taking a bath. Consider how you are feeling. Are you feeling disrespected, violated, angry, devalued or controlled? You may be thinking, "Yes, but a two-year-old doesn't feel this way - it's not the same, he's not an adult, besides, I'm the parent."
True, the child is not yet an adult. However he IS a person, has feelings and is at an important growth stage of wanting independence and experimenting with how to have his choices be known and honored. This is the beginning of his being an individual - he is establishing his separateness from his parents and is exploring his competence and capabilities.
Many times going to bed is not the issue, he may be tired and ready. Yet the command of being told what to do and when to do it brings up a feeling of being controlled. Isn't it true that this is often our reaction as adults when we are "commanded" in the same way? The issue becomes one of wanting control over ourselves and what happens to us. In this scene with Zachary and Mother, Zachary does not feel understood and it causes the struggle to escalate. Also, as Mother continues to overpower Zachary, he feels unloved and rejected and Mother is left feeling pretty much the same way.
Bedtime can be a special time between children and parents as it is natural for us to desire closeness or connectedness before going to sleep. Often times, however, parents have over-burdened themselves during the day and so they are eager to get the child in bed as soon as possible so they can have some quiet time for themselves. This can cause the child to feel that his parents are trying to "get rid of him." In our bedtime struggle story, Zachary's desire for more closeness is expressed through wanting a drink and "going potty" which results in more tension between he and his mom and both feeling hurt and rejected.
So, consider these questions: What did Zachary want in our story? More importantly, what does your child want?

• To declare his independence or sense of self.
• To feel close or connected with his parent.
• To feel a sense of control over what happens to him.
• To feel respected and heard.

How can you, as a parent, give your child what he wants and needs and still have him go to bed in a timely manner?

1. Respect your needs. Take care of yourself during the day so you are not feeling hassled and frazzled at your child's bedtime. Set your child's bedtime at an hour that allows you some solitude and/or "couple time"with your partner after your child goes to bed.
2. Whenever possible, have both parents be a part of the bedtime ritual. Bedtime is more fun and less of a burden when both parents participate.
3. Start your bedtime ritual forty-five minutes to one hour before your child's actual bedtime hour to avoid unnecessary stress and struggle. This process should be a winding down time, in other words, eliminate activities that would excite the child such as rough-housing or tickling.
4. Respect his sense of time by telling him that bedtime is in 15 minutes, allowing him to complete a particular activity before his actual bedtime hour.
5. Offer choices instead of orders. Your child will have a feeling of control over what happens to him when given choices. For example, you might say, "Do you want your dad to help you with your bath or me?" Or "Do you want to wear your red pajamas or your blue ones?" Or "Do you want to sleep with your gorilla or your kitty?"
6. Create a bedtime ritual with your child's help and advice. For example, read a story, snuggle, give three stuffed animals to kiss, give a hug and two kisses and leave the room singing a song. Routine is particularly important from at least 12 months of age through age two. The routine needs to have a quality of sameness or routine -- the same order or the same song -- to provide a sense of security.
7. Create closeness. For example:
• Talk about "Remember When," such as "Remember when we went camping and that raccoon got into our food?" Or "I remember when you were a baby and loved to have your tummy rubbed."
• Listen to your child's feeling about the day.
• Say three things that you love about eachother. Start each statement with, "What I love about you is..." and complete it with a specific thing that you love. For instance, "What I love about you is the way you helped put your books away today," or "What I love about you is the way your singing can lift my spirits."
8. Ask the following questions that allow your child to share more about himself:
• "What was the best thing that happened to you today?"
• "What was the worst thing that happened to you today?"
• "What was the silliest thing that happened to you today?"
9. Some children may talk more freely with the lights out. Try to discover what is most encouraging to your child in enhancing your communication together.
10. After you have completed your bedtime routine, leave your child's room. Explain to to your child ONCE when you start this new routine, "If you come out of the room for any reason other than emergency, I will lovingly guide or carry you back to your room." "I will not talk to you after saying goodnight and closing the bedroom door."

It is essential that you do not talk to your child after the bedtime routine is complete. Your child will pay more attention to your actions than your words. Further, if you continue to talk to your child, you are more likely to get into a verbal power struggle about going to bed. If you discover yourself saying, "Didn't you hear what I said? I told you to go to bed and I wasn't going to talk anymore!" Stop talking and take loving action by guiding your child back to bed. You may have to guide your child back to his room several times, particularly at the beginning because children will test their parents. However, as the week progresses, bedtime will become more pleasant for both you and your child.
You can make bedtime a time of nurturing, closeness, shared communication and fun. By involving your children in the decision-making process and spending this special time with them, they will feel valued and respected. By setting limits, you will gain the respect of your children and build their self-esteem.


Proud Mama To

Tuesday Toot

here is my toot! My baby girl just started kindergarten!!!!!!!!!! I am sad, but she is so excited and happy, and can not wait to get home and tell me how her day was. She loves being able to be on the bus with her big brother (4th grade).

Also, my big boy is in the gifted math program this year! I am so proud of him!!



Proud Mama To

Recalls

This message consists of the following:

1. Coffee Makers Recalled by Sears Due to Fire and Burn Hazards

2. Stroller Activity Bars Recalled by International Playthings Due to Choking Hazard

3. IMS Recalls Car Chargers Used With Halogen Spotlights Sold at Sears and K-Mart Due to Fire and Burn Hazards

********************************************************

1. Coffee Makers Recalled by Sears Due to Fire and Burn Hazards

NEWS from CPSC
U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission
Office of Information and Public Affairs
Washington, DC 20207

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
August 26, 2008
Release #08-372

Sears' Recall Hotline: (800) 978-7615
CPSC Recall Hotline: (800) 638-2772
CPSC Media Contact: (301) 504-7908

Coffee Makers Recalled by Sears Due to Fire and Burn Hazards

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, in cooperation with the firm named below, today announced a voluntary recall of the following consumer product. Consumers should stop using recalled products immediately unless otherwise instructed.

Name of Product: Kenmore and Kenmore Elite Coffee Makers

Units: About 145,000

Retailers: Sears, Roebuck and Co., the great indoors and Kmart Corp., of Hoffman Estates, Ill.

Hazard: The wiring in the coffee maker can overheat, posing burn and fire hazards to consumers.

Incidents/Injuries: Sears has received 20 reports of coffee makers overheating, including 12 fires, causing damage to counter tops, cabinet damage, and plastic melting on the floor. No injuries have been reported.

Description: This recall involves 12-cup Kenmore coffee makers sold in black, white, and red with the following model numbers: 100.80006 (black), 100.81006 (white), and 100.82006 (red). The recall also involves 12-cup Kenmore Elite coffee makers with thermal carafe (model number 100.90007) and 14-cup Kenmore Elite coffee makers (model number 100.90006). The model number can be found on the bottom of the unit. There is a Kenmore or Kenmore Elite logo on the front bottom of the maker.

Sold at: Sears, Sears Hardware, the great indoors, and Kmart stores nationwide, as well as Sears.com and Kmart.com, from August 2007 through April 2008 for between $30 and $100.

Manufactured in: China

Remedy: Consumers should immediately stop using the coffee makers and take them to their nearest Sears or Kmart store to obtain a free replacement coffee maker.

Consumer Contact: For additional information, contact Sears at (800) 978-7615 between 7 a.m. and 9 p.m. CT Monday through Saturday, or visit the following Web sites: www.sears.com, www.kmart.com, or www.thegreatindoors.com

To see this recall on CPSC's web site, including pictures of the recalled product, please go to: http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prhtml08/08372.html

********************************************************

2. Stroller Activity Bars Recalled by International Playthings Due to Choking Hazard

NEWS from CPSC
U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission
Office of Information and Public Affairs
Washington, DC 20207

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
August 26, 2008
Release #08-373

International Playthings' Recall Hotline: (800) 445-8347
CPSC Recall Hotline: (800) 638-2772
CPSC Media Contact: (301) 504-7908

Stroller Activity Bars Recalled by International Playthings Due to Choking Hazard

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, in cooperation with the firm named below, today announced a voluntary recall of the following consumer product. Consumers should stop using recalled products immediately unless otherwise instructed.

Name of Product: Taggies(tm) Strollin' Along Stroller Activity Bars

Units: About 10,000

Importer/Distributor: International Playthings Inc., of Parsippany, N.J.

Hazard: The shiny material on the elephant's ear on the activity bar can detach, posing a choking hazard to young children.

Incidents/Injuries: International Playthings has received three reports of the shiny material detaching and children putting it in his/her mouth. No injuries have been reported.

Description: This recall involves the Taggies(tm) Strollin' Along stroller activity bars. The multicolored, fabric, and plastic activity bars feature a yellow giraffe, a purple hippo and a blue elephant attached to a 12" long elliptical base with straps that attach to a stroller. The Taggies(tm) and Earlyears(r) logos are located on woven and satin labels sewn into the seam on the lower left front of the activity bar.

Sold at: Specialty toy stores nationwide and on the Internet from February 2007 through July 2008 for about $23.

Manufactured in: China

Remedy: Consumers should immediately stop using the activity bars and contact International Playthings for a free replacement toy.

Consumer Contact: For additional information, contact International Playthings at (800) 445-8347 or visit the company's Web site at www.intplay.com

To see this recall on CPSC's web site, including pictures of the recalled product, please go to: http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prhtml08/08373.html

********************************************************

3. IMS Recalls Car Chargers Used With Halogen Spotlights Sold at Sears and K-Mart Due to Fire and Burn Hazards

NEWS from CPSC
U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission
Office of Information and Public Affairs
Washington, DC 20207

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
August 26, 2008
Release #08-374

Firm's Recall Hotline: (866) 797-2738
CPSC Recall Hotline: (800) 638-2772
CPSC Media Contact: (301) 504-7908

IMS Recalls Car Chargers Used With Halogen Spotlights Sold at Sears and K-Mart Due to Fire and Burn Hazards

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, in cooperation with the firm named below, today announced a voluntary recall of the following consumer product. Consumers should stop using recalled products immediately unless otherwise instructed.

Name of Product: Car Chargers Used with Power System Plus 3 Million Candlepower Spotlights

Units: About 210,000

Importer/Distributor: International Merchandising Service Inc. (IMS), of Fullerton, Calif.

Hazard: The car charger is incompatible with the spotlight's battery, which can cause it to overcharge inside of a vehicle and pose a fire or burn hazard to consumers.

Incidents/Injuries: IMS has received two reports of incidents of spotlights overheating while being charged with the car charger. No injuries have been reported.

Description: The recalled 12V DC car charger was sold with the Power Systems Plus/UST 3 Million Candlepower Spotlight with model number HSLR30S. The spotlight is black and blue and has a sticker on each side that reads "3 Million Candle Power." "HSLR30S" is printed on the instruction manual and on the packaging.

Sold at: Sears and K-Mart retail stores nationwide from October 2007 to June 2008 for about $20.

Manufactured in: China

Remedy: Consumers should immediately stop using the recalled car charger and contact IMS for information on how to receive a free replacement car charger. Consumers can continue to use the spotlights without the car charger.

Consumer Contact: For additional information, contact IMS toll-free at (866) 797-2738 between 8 a.m. and 4 p.m. PT Monday through Friday, visit the company's Web site at http://usttools.com/recall, or write to IMS Inc., 1927 W. Malvern Ave., Fullerton, CA 92833 ATTN: RECALL PROGRAM.

To see this recall on CPSC's web site, including pictures of the recalled product, please go to: http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prhtml08/08374.html



********************************************************

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission is charged with protecting the public from unreasonable risks of serious injury or death from more than 15,000 types of consumer products under the agency's jurisdiction. Deaths, injuries and property damage from consumer product incidents cost the nation more than $800 billion annually. The CPSC is committed to protecting consumers and families from products that pose a fire, electrical, chemical, or mechanical hazard or can injure children. The CPSC's work to ensure the safety of consumer products - such as toys, cribs, power tools, cigarette lighters, and household chemicals - contributed significantly to the 30 percent decline in the rate of deaths and injuries associated with consumer products over the past 30 years.

To report a dangerous product or a product-related injury, call CPSC's hotline at (800) 638-2772 or CPSC's teletypewriter at (800) 638-8270, or visit CPSC's web site at www.cpsc.gov/talk.html. To join a CPSC email subscription list, please go to www.cpsc.gov/cpsclist.aspx. Consumers can obtain this release and recall information at CPSC's Web site at www.cpsc.gov.

-----------------------------



Proud Mama To

Fighting Siblings

Bill Cosby once said, "You aren't really a parent until you've had your second child." Parents of one child won't really understand this. Parents of two or more children will relate to this statement immediately. He was referring to the seemingly constant bickering and fighting between brothers and sisters.
However, having more than one child can provide opportunities for them to learn many things. They are learning how to share, how to be a friend, how to love and get along with others, and how to cooperate among themselves in relation to their brothers and sisters. There are many positive aspects to family life with more than one child, although many parents would say, "Not in my family!”
This continual fighting between siblings is one of the major frustrations parents have. They feel that nothing they are doing is working. Parents' typical reactions to fighting include: screaming "Shut-up! You're driving me crazy!” taking sides, threats, accusations, dismissing negative feeling, and solving children's problems for them. All of these reactions only add fuel to the fire.
Instead of reacting to the fighting, parents can choose to be pro-active. They can stay out of the fights in a nonjudgmental way. Children need to be able to settle things for themselves. Parents can teach negotiation skills later during a calm period. Teach your child to say "I'll give you these blocks for those." This will help them learn win-win skills that will be there when they are needed now and useful in the future.
Another thing parents can do is show confidence that their children will work things out. "I see two children and one doll, and I know you two can work things out together so both of you are happy." Believe it and walk out of the room. You'll be surprised.
Or, the parent can get down on the children's level and lovingly put a hand out. They will give you the toy. Carol DeVeny, a local daycare owner, was skeptical at first. However, she reported that the two toddlers stopped the fight, gave her the toy, and said "We share, Mommy." Carol said it brought tears to her eyes to see this.
And finally, parents need to remember to affirm and accept feeling. All feelings are O.K., but not all actions are. A parent can say, "You felt very angry at your sister because she broke your truck. You can tell her with words, not hitting." Keep in mind that the bad feelings need to come out before we can get to the good feelings.
When parents react to hostility with hostility, they are unwittingly promoting sibling rivalry. Future generations will need the skills of negotiation and cooperation in their businesses and personal relationships. Parents can begin now to teach their children these important skills. Think about what an incredible difference this can make in their lives!


Proud Mama To

Family Meeting Guidelines

Family Meetings can be a very successful method of enhancing family cooperation and closeness. Here are some ideas for the format of a family meeting.
Hold the meeting once a week at a time when everyone in the family can attend. Keep this time sacred -- don't keep changing it at everyone's convenience. Mark the time on a calendar and make it as important as a business meeting.
Take the phone off the hook so there are no interruptions. This helps your children see how valuable the meetings are to you also.
Decisions should be made by family consensus, not majority vote. If an agreement cannot be reached after a discussion, table the decision until the next meeting.
Elect a new leader and secretary at each meeting. The leader runs the meeting and calls on members. The leadership should rotate every meeting. Other members should be encouraged to support the leader. The secretary can take notes on what was discussed and what decisions were reached.
Begin the meetings with compliments to each family member. Use words like, "I love you because...," or, "I'm grateful for you because...," Teach children to say thank you after they receive a compliment.
Keep an "agenda" list on the refrigerator and discuss it at each family meeting time. As problems come up during the week, write them down to be discussed at family meetings.
Go on to problem solving. Does anyone have a problem they would like to bring up? Teach your children that if she complains, it is helpful to think of a solution. A person who is not part of the solution is part of the problem.
Coordinate everyone's calendar for the next week and plan some activities together as a family.
For more productive meetings, sit at a cleared table and chairs versus the family sitting room. Don't have this meeting during a mealtime.
Always end the meeting by allowing the leader to pick a fun way to close it. Suggestions are choosing a bedtime snack for everyone, delaying dessert until after the meeting, playing a game, etc.


Proud Mama To

More Golden Truths

For those with children, those thinking about it, or those who now have an excuse not to.
Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):
(1) There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
(2) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
(3) A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
(4) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
(5) It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
(6) Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
(7) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
(8) When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
(9) A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
(10) The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
(11) When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
(12) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
(13) A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
(14) A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
(15) If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes.
(16) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
(17) Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
(18) Duplos will not.
(19) Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
(20) Super glue is forever.
(21) McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
(22) Ditto Tarzan.
(23) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
(24) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
(25) VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
(26) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
(27) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
(28) You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
(29) Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
(30) Plastic toys do not like ovens.
(31) The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
(32) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
(33) It will however make cats dizzy.
(34) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
(35) Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
(36) A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).


Proud Mama To

Give Kids A Chance

Are you aware that the most under used, wasted natural resource in this country is not the elderly, or parents, or any minority group. It is our children. So many great ideas, so much energy, so much boundless idealism. So much limitless potential. Why don’t we enlist our children’s help more often?
Much of the answer lies in some old beliefs we have about children that we haven’t let go of yet. Beliefs like children should be seen and not heard. Beliefs that say that kids are just lumps of clay that we need to mold, inferring that they don’t have a spirit and a purpose of their own. Beliefs whereby parents say that there is only one way to do things in this world, and that’s the right way, which is naturally my way! It wasn’t really until the late 60’s and early 70’s that professionals like Dr. T. Berry Brazelton convinced us that infants could not only see and hear but also actively elicit responses in their parents. So our limited and limiting understanding of children’s emotions and capabilities is, in a sense, in it’s infancy.
So many times our kids are the last person we turn to for help, information, or support. For instance, a friend of mine called me last year from Detroit for some advice. At her son’s high school there had been some fights between white and Africa-American students, creating some fairly intense racial tension. This friend wanted some help in creating a retreat for the teens that would bring both sides together to do some conflict resolution and community building. My first question to her was, "How have you involved the teens in creating this retreat?" There was a pause from the other end, then a guilt-ridden "we haven’t at all, yet." Well, after our conversation, she created a team comprised mostly of students to organize and brainstorm this retreat, which turned out to be incredibly successful. But just think of the opportunity for growth for the students that would have been so carelessly missed for the simple reason that we don’t value our children’s input and contributions. And, therefore, from a child’s perspective, we don’t value them.
Several years ago a 13 year old baby-sitter, Melody, who was an only child living with older parents used to hang around our house a lot. One day my wife, Anne, asked her if she could help balance our checkbook. Well, you would have thought she had been given a million dollars. Anne showed her how and for the next year Melody would come up to our house once a month and tackle the Jordan’s checkbook. And the look on her face when she left our house was worth a thousand words. Happy, proud, valuable, responsible. Something as simple as balancing a checkbook can bring a tremendous sense of satisfaction and a sense of "I’m contributing something worthwhile" to a child.
So become aware of all the endless ways that kids could be valuable to us and their community. Volunteering at a preschool; serving meals at a homeless shelter; picking up litter in your neighborhood; saving up money together as a family for some philanthropic purpose; doing some yard work for grandma and grandpa; asking their ideas or opinion about a problem you are working on. There are large and small opportunities everyday to give kids a chance to be valuable, contributing members of society. And not only does the family and community benefit, but the kids benefit tenfold as well. There is no better way to support kids in feeling good about themselves than to help them be of service to others. Someone once said that you reap what you sow. If kids are getting out of themselves and sowing love and service, then they will reap feelings of love and peace and fullness. In this day and age of so many questions about teen anger, teen violence, teen pregnancies, and teen suicides, perhaps the best answers lie with the kids and teens themselves. Let’s give kids a chance!

Proud Mama To

Dealing With Power Struggles

Most parents first experience their child's attempts at autonomy at about age two. They feel challenged and often a battle of wills begins that lasts throughout childhood and the teen years. Parents can turn these trying times into a rewarding growth period for them and their children by shifting their perspective concerning the child's behavior and by becoming clever and creative in responding to the child's perceived "headstrong, rebellious, stubborn, frustrating, negative" behavior.
Empowering not Overpowering
Instead of viewing children's willful behavior as "bad" and reacting in a way that overpowers the child, parents can view this behavior as a healthy positive sign of their child's development and find ways to empower the child. From about the age of two, and at differing intervals in the developmental process, children are individuating from their parents and the world around them. This includes making decisions for themselves, exerting their power and will on persons and situations, getting their own way, declaring ownership and authority.
When parents react by overpowering children, they cause them to feel powerless. Since all humans strive to feel powerful, the overpowered child may react to his or her feelings of powerlessness by either fight or flight - either giving in and letting others make all the decisions and maintain all control or fighting to seek power through rebellious and destructive behaviors. Parents who can shift to seeing their child's struggle for power as a positive sign can find useful ways for the child to feel powerful and valuable and deal with power struggles in ways that reduce fighting and create cooperative relationships that empower both the child and the parents.
The First Step is to Side-Step
The first step to effectively and positively deal with power struggles is to side-step the power struggle - in other words, refuse to pick up the other end of the rope. A mother asked her two-year-old if she was ready for a nap. "NO" replied the child. Feeling challenged, the mother replied, "Do you want to walk to your bed or do you want me to carry you?" "I want you to carry me upside down and tickle me as we go."
The mother realized that the "no" was an invitation to join a power struggle and by side-stepping it (neither fighting nor giving in) the mother created an ending that was happy, nurturing and loving rather than hateful and painful as nap time can often be. By side-stepping the power struggle, you send your child the message "I am not going to fight with you. I am not going to hurt you. I am not going to overpower you and I'm not going to give in, either."
Choices, Not Orders
After side-stepping the power struggle, the next step is to give choices, not orders. A father, trying to change an 18-month-olds diaper, against the wishes of the child, offered the child a choice of which room to have the change made. The child choose a room, but once in the room, balked again at the diaper change. The father continued with his plan to empower the child and asked, "Which bed?" The child pointed to a bed, the diaper was changed and the ongoing power struggle about diaper changes was ended.
When giving children choices, parents must be sure that all choices are acceptable. Don't give your child the choice of either sitting down quietly or leaving the restaurant if you have no intention of leaving.
Also be sure you don't give too many "autocratic" choices. Autocratic choices are choices are choices that are so narrow the child senses no freedom at all. Young children benefit from having some choices narrowed, but try to give broad and open-ended choices whenever possible.
Choices should not represent a punishment as one alternative. For example, telling a child "You may either pick up the toys or take a time-out" creates fear and intimidation instead of empowerment.
Find Useful Ways for your Child to be Powerful
Whenever you find yourself in the middle of a power struggle with your child, ask yourself, "How can I give my child more power in this situation?" One mother asked herself this question concerning an endless battle she was having with her son about buckling his seat belt. Her solution was that she made him boss of the seat belts - it became his job to see that everyone was safely secured. The power struggle ended.
Do the Unexpected
One parent side-steps power struggles by announcing "let’s go out for a treat" when she feels the situation is headed for a showdown. Her purpose is not to "reward" bad behavior, but to reestablish her relationship with her children and keep her end goal of a close, loving and cooperative atmosphere in mind.
Getting to Win-Win
Power struggles often feel like someone has to win and someone has to lose. A win-win solution is where each party comes away feeling like they got what they wanted. Getting to win-win takes negotiation. Parents can assist their children by responding to a child’s demands, "That sounds like a good way for you to win. And I want you to win. But I want to win, too. Can you think of a solution that works for both of us?"
Handling "NO"
Parents often have the attitude that children should not say NO to or question authority. However, it is interesting that most of us parents buy into the media campaign of "Just Say No." It is best to hear a child’s NO as a disagreement rather than a disrespectful response. Teach children to say NO, or disagree, respectfully and appropriately. Keep in mind that you want them to say NO when faced with peer pressure and inappropriate situations.
Powerlessness Creates Revenge
Children who are overpowered, or who feel powerless, will often seek to gain power through revenge. They will seek to hurt others as they feel hurt and will often engage in behavior that ultimately hurts themselves. Revenge at age two and three looks like talking back and messy food spills. Revenge at age 16 or 17 looks like drug and alcohol abuse, pregnancy, failure, running away and suicide.
When children act out in power struggles and revengeful behavior, they are most often feeling powerless and discouraged about a positive way to contribute and know that their actions count. Most parents’ goals are to raise a child who becomes a self-reliant adult, can make good decisions and has the confidence to be whatever he or she chooses. Your child will see the future that future more clearly if you allow him or her to practice at being powerful in useful and appropriate ways.


Proud Mama To

9 Things to do Instead of Spanking

Research confirms what many parents instinctively feel when they don’t like to spank their child, but they don’t know what else to do. The latest research from Dr. Murray Strauss at the Family Research Laboratory affirms that spanking teaches children to use acts of aggression and violence to solve their problems. It only teaches and perpetuates more violence, the very thing our society is so concerned about. This research further shows that children who have been spanked are more prone to low self-esteem, depression and accept lower paying jobs as adults. So, what do you do instead?
1 - Get Calm
First, if you feel angry and out of control and you want to spank or slap your child, leave the situation if you can. Calm down and get quiet. In that quiet time you will often find an alternative or solution to the problem. Sometimes parents lose it because they are under a lot of stress. Dinner is boiling over, the kids are fighting, the phone is ringing and your child drops the can of peas and you lose it. If you can’t leave the situation, then mentally step back and count to ten.
2 - Take Time for Yourself
Parents are more prone to use spanking when they haven’t had any time to themselves and they feel depleted and hurried. So, it is important for parents to take some time for themselves to exercise, read, take a walk or pray.
3 - Be Kind but Firm
Another frustrating situation where parents tend to spank is when your child hasn’t listened to your repeated requests to behave. Finally, you spank to get your child to act appropriately. Another solution in these situations is to get down on your child’s level, make eye contact, touch him gently and tell him, in a short, kind but firm phrase, what it is you want him to do. For example, “I want you to play quietly.
4 - Give Choices
Giving your child a choice is an effective alternative to spanking. If she is playing with her food at the table ask, Would you like to stop playing with your food or would you like to leave the table?” If the child continues to play with her food, you use kind but firm action by helping her down from the table. Then tell her that she can return to the table when she is ready to eat her food without playing in it.
5 - Use Logical Consequences
Consequences that are logically related to the behavior help teach children responsibility. For example, your child breaks a neighbor’s window and you punish him by spanking him. What does he learn about the situation? He may learn to never do that again, but he also learns that he needs to hide his mistakes, blame it on someone else, lie, or simply not get caught. He may decide that he is bad or feel anger and revenge toward the parent who spanked him. When you spank a child, he may behave because he is afraid to get hit again. However, do you want your child to behave because he is afraid of you or because he respects you?
Compare that situation to a child who breaks a neighbor’s window and his parent says, “I see you’ve broken the window, what will you do to repair it?” using a kind but firm tone of voice. The child decides to mow the neighbor’s lawn and wash his car several times to repay the cost of breaking the window. What does the child learn in this situation? That mistakes are an inevitable part of life and it isn’t so important that he made the mistake but that he takes responsibilty to repair the mistake. The focus is taken off the mistake and put on taking responsibility for repairing it. The child feels no anger or revenge toward his parent. And most importantly the child’s self-esteem is not damaged.
6 - Do Make Ups
When children break agreements, parents tend to want to punish them An alternative is to have your child do a make-up. A make-up is something that people do to put themselves back into integrity with the person they broke the agreement with. For example, several boys were at a sleep-over at Larry’s home. His father requested that they not leave the house after midnight. The boys broke their agreement. The father was angry and punished them by telling them they couldn’t have a sleep-over for two months. Larry and his friends became angry, sullen and uncooperative as a result of the punishment. The father realized what he had done. He apologized for punishing them and told them how betrayed he felt and discussed the importance of keeping their word. He then asked the boys for a make-up. They decided to cut the lumber that the father needed to have cut in their backyard. The boys became excited and enthusiastic about the project and later kept their word on future sleep-overs.
7 - Withdraw from Conflict
Children who sass back at parents may provoke a parent to slap. In this situation, it is best if you withdraw from the situation immediately. Do not leave the room in anger or defeat. Calmly say, “I’ll be in the next room when you want to talk more respectfully.
8 - Use kind but firm action
Instead of smacking an infant’s hand or bottom when she touches something she isn’t supposed to, kindly but firmly pick her up and take her to the next room. Offer her a toy or another item to distract her and say, “You can try again later.” You may have to take her out several times if she is persistent.
9 - Inform Children Ahead of Time
A child’s temper tantrum can easily set a parent off. Children frequently throw tantrums when they feel uninformed or powerless in a situation. Instead of telling your child he has to leave his friend’s house at a moment’s notice, tell him that you will be leaving in five minutes. This allows the child to complete what he was in the process of doing.
Aggression is an obvious form of perpetuating violence in society. A more subtle form of this is spanking because it takes it’s toll on a child’s self-esteem, dampening his enthusiasm and causing him to be rebellious and uncooperative. Consider for a moment the vision of a family that knows how to win cooperation and creatively solve their problems without using force or violence. The alternatives are limitless and the results are calmer parents who feel more supported.


Proud Mama To

Ten Keys to Successful Parenting

Ten Keys to Successful Parenting
It is important that we discipline in a way that teaches responsibility by motivating our children internally, to build their self-esteem and make them feel loved. If our children are disciplined in this respect, they will not have a need to turn to gangs, drugs, or sex to feel powerful or belong.
The following ten keys will help parents use methods that have been proven to provide children with a sense of well-being and security.
1 - Use Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMS)
Your child's self-esteem is greatly influenced by the quality of time you spend with him-not the amount of time that you spend. With our busy lives, we are often thinking about the next thing that we have to do, instead of putting 100% focused attention on what our child is saying to us. We often pretend to listen or ignore our child's attempts to communicate with us. If we don't give our child GEMS throughout the day, he will often start to misbehave. Negative attention in a child's mind is better than being ignored.
It is also important to recognize that feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. So when your child says to you, "Mommy, you never spend time with me" (even though you just played with her) she is expressing what she feels. It is best at these times just to validate her feelings by saying, "Yeah, I bet it does feel like a long time since we spent time together."
2 - Use Action, Not Words
Statistics say that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day! No wonder our children become "parent deaf!" Instead of nagging or yelling, ask yourself, "What action could I take?" For example, if you have nagged your child about unrolling his socks when he takes them off, then only wash socks that are unrolled. Action speaks louder than words.
3 - Give Children Appropriate Ways to Feel Powerful
If you don't, they will find inappropriate ways to feel their power. Ways to help them feel powerful and valuable are to ask their advice, give them choices, let them help you balance your check book, cook all our part of a meal, or help you shop. A two-year-old can wash plastic dishes, wash vegetables, or put silverware away. Often we do the job for them because we can do it with less hassle, but the result is they feel unimportant.
4 - Use Natural Consequences
Ask yourself what would happen if I didn't interfere in this situation? If we interfere when we don't need to, we rob children of the chance to learn from the consequences of their actions. By allowing consequences to do the talking, we avoid disturbing our relationships by nagging or reminding too much. For example, if your child forgets her lunch, you don't bring it to her. Allow her to find a solution and learn the importance of remembering.
5 - Use Logical Consequences
Often the consequences are too far in the future to practically use a natural consequence. When that is the case, logical consequences are effective. A consequence for the child must be logically related to the behavior in order for it to work. For example, if your child forgets to return his video and you ground him for a week, that punishment will only create resentment within your child. However, if you return the video for him and either deduct the amount from his allowance or allow him to work off the money owed, then your child can see the logic to your discipline.
6 - Withdraw from Conflict
If your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or being angry or speaking disrespectfully to you, it is best if you leave the room or tell the child you will be in the next room if he wants to "Try again." Do not leave in anger or defeat.
7 - Seperate the Deed from the Doer
Never tell a child that he is bad. That tears at his self-esteem. Help your child recognize that it isn't that you don't like him, but it is his behavior that you are unwilling to tolerate. In order for a child to have healthy self-esteem, he must know that he is loved unconditionally no matter what he does. Do not motivate your child by withdrawing your love from him. When in doubt, ask yourself, did my discipline build my child's self-esteem?
8 - Be Kind and Firm at the Same Time
Suppose you have told your five-year-old child that if she isn't dressed by the time the timer goes off, you will pick her up and take her to the car. She has been told she can either get dressed either in the car or at school. Make sure that you are loving when you pick her up, yet firm by picking her up as soon as the timer goes off without any more nagging. If in doubt, ask yourself, did I motivate through love or fear?
9 - Parent with the End in Mind
Most of us parent with the mindset to get the situation under control as soon as possible. We are looking for the expedient solution. This often results in children who feel overpowered. But if we parent in a way that keeps in mind how we want our child to be as an adult, we will be more thoughtful in the way we parent. For example, if we spank our child, he will learn to use acts of aggression to get what he wants when he grows up.
10 - Be Consistent, Follow Through
If you have made an agreement that your child cannot buy candy when she gets to the store, do not give in to her pleas, tears, demands or pouting. Your child will learn to respect you more if you mean what you say.


Proud Mama To

High Blood Pressure in Children

The epidemic increase of childhood obesity is in the spotlight; on nighttime news reports, articles in health magazines and in pamphlets handed out at pediatrician offices. The reality of childhood obesity is visible in our day to day lives; however, the dangers associated with obesity are deeper than plain sight. Among other complications, high blood pressure in children has a very real and very scary correlation with obesity. The effects of high blood pressure can lead to serious medical problems in children now and as they progress into adulthood.
High blood pressure or hypertension can be present in all ages, from infancy to adulthood. Five percent of the childhood population has higher than normal blood pressure. This five percent needs to be fully evaluated and monitored closely to avoid potentially life-threatening damage to the body’s vascular system.
There are two types of hypertension: primary or essential hypertension and secondary hypertension. Secondary hypertension means that a specific cause of the high blood pressure can be identified. Children with this type of hypertension may have other serious medical conditions such as kidney disease, heart disease or abnormalities with the nervous or endocrine (hormone) system. The development of essential hypertension is closely associated with one’s diet, exercise habits and family history.
High blood pressure may be associated with symptoms such as:

• Headache
• Dizziness
• Fatigue
• Visual disturbances

Most often, a child with high blood pressure does not have any overt symptoms. This highlights the importance of bringing your child to your pediatrician for regular health care maintenance examinations. A child’s blood pressure should be checked yearly after three years of age and anytime a child presents signs or symptoms of conditions that are know to be associated with elevations of blood pressure.
In children with secondary hypertension, your pediatrician will work, often in conjunction with a specialist, to control both your child’s blood pressure and the underlying cause of the elevated blood pressure. Children diagnosed with essential hypertension can often decrease their blood pressure by making dietary and other lifestyle changes. Your pediatrician can provide guidance in developing a healthy diet and exercise program. If changes in diet and exercise are not enough to lower your child’s blood pressure, your pediatrician may recommend the use of medicines to treat the hypertension.
Chances are that your child is not among the five percent of children with high blood pressure. However, it is important to follow up regularly with your child’s pediatrician to make sure that if your child does have high blood pressure or any other risk factors, such as obesity and/or lack of exercise, that these concerns are addressed as early as possible to avoid any long term damage to the body.
Parents can help their child develop a healthy lifestyle—reducing the risk of developing hypertension—by teaching him/her to make healthy food choices and how to incorporate exercise into daily life. The development of a healthy lifestyle in childhood will lay the foundation for your child to develop into a healthy adult.
Q&A
When should I seek professional help if my child is overweight?
Children should be seen by their pediatrician for regular health care maintenance visits. During these visits, your child’s height and weight will be measured and his body mass index will be calculated. These values will be plotted on a growth chart and reviewed with you and your child. Children with a body mass index of greater than 85% are at risk for obesity and those with a body mass index great than 95% are considered overweight. If your child falls outside the normal range, your pediatrician will help you develop a diet and exercise treatment plan.
Could my child have a medical condition that causes him to be overweight?
Although rare, some children do have underlying medical conditions that cause them to be overweight. These conditions are diagnosed by a thorough history and physical exam as well as disease specific laboratory testing. If you have concerns regarding your child’s weight, make sure to bring them up to your pediatrician.
If my child is overweight, would exercise elevate his blood pressure to unsafe levels?
If you child has been diagnosed as being overweight or obese, your pediatrician will help you develop an appropriate exercise program. In the majority of cases, exercise is extremely beneficial in maintaining a healthy weight as well as lowering one’s blood pressure. However, any extreme changes in exercise programs should be first cleared by your pediatrician.



Proud Mama To

Cyber Bullying Help, Tips and Advice

April:	god it sounds like sam had more fun with you then he ever does with me.
Brittany:	now that isn’t true!!!
April:	he is gonna cheat…so I will have nothing to live for anymore… so im gonna just plan on killin myself sometime soon. I wish you weren’t gonna let him cheat Brittany, its not fair to me…but I guess if you want to let him that’s fine…ill just start planning on how its gonna end for me…i’m not good enuf 4 him
Brittany:	u r good enuf 4 him!
April:	he hates me, you hate me, and im going to kill myself and if you send this convo to him in an email like you did the last one…im going to kill myself right now

Dialogue from an adult daytime drama?  Scene from a teen slasher movie?  No, it’s a real instant messaging (IM) conversation between two teen girls who HAVE NEVER EVEN MET IN PERSON!  This same type of cyber bullying is happening all over the Internet, on email and on personal Web pages, like MySpace, Xanga, Facebook and YouTube.
Wake up, Mom and Dad.  Kids everywhere use the Internet and it’s not just a benign modern distraction.  The Web is being used as a blunt weapon of relational aggression and mass destruction.  Sure, some kids use it to find out about Friday’s math homework or what time everyone’s meeting at the mall.  But youngsters often wield the Internet for much more sinister purposes.  It is tailor made for aggression.  Kids are drawn to its power for spreading gossip quickly, anonymously and to an infinite audience.
The Internet is like the old child’s game “telephone,” only on steroids.  Misunderstandings proliferate.  Words can hurt.  The Internet inflames that harm.
It starts with online anonymity.  You can pretend to be someone else.  You can listen to others’ conversations behind their backs.  You can get caught up in the moment.  Because you aren’t face-to-face and there’s no immediate personal feedback, you might say things you’d never say in person (37% of kids who go online report they’ve done just that!).  This makes it easy to spread untruths and gossip or to talk nasty, because no one sees you.  The Internet is a boundary-less environment.
This talk is worse than a verbal rumor; those eventually die out.  Kids can cut, paste, print or forward the conversations; consequently, a malicious tale can live on forever.  Think of the wound that inflicts on a kid.
Has your child been on the receiving end of mysterious rumors?  Does he or she suddenly have friendship troubles?  Is he or she moodier than usual?  Has he or she stopped hanging out with certain people?  Check to see if the Web is the culprit.
Don’t be naïve.  The Internet is here to stay.  Eighty-seven percent of those between the ages of 12 and 17 are online.
So, parents, this is a heads-up.  Does your child use instant messaging?  Has he or she been the target of, or engaged in, online bullying?  If your kids don’t know how to respond when spiteful chat and rumors start, they may do lifelong damage to someone – or get deeply hurt themselves.



Proud Mama To

We got a Wii Fit!

LOVE IT! It is a little harsh, but I can take some criticism! You gotta do what you gotta do to get in shape lol. Of course, my 8 yr old has taken it over. My 5 yr old also seems into it, and the toddler tried to draw on it.

I suggest you all get one! It is a good way to see where you are and where you need to be with weight and health. We got it for a large price from eBay, but hubby's work is paying 70%! 

Well, off to try to get it away from the 5 yr old lol. Need to tone up a bit!



Proud Mama To

ADHD Tips and ADHD Help

What is ADHD?
ADHD stands for Attention-Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder. It is a medical condition of the brain that makes it difficult for children to concentrate and control their behavior. Without ongoing treatment, the behavioral disorder often interferes with the child’s development of a healthy and normal life.
According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, ADHD is one of the most common chronic medical conditions seen in children, ages 6-12 years, with boys being more likely than girls to be diagnosed.
Signs and Symptoms of ADHD
The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests three behavioral signs for ADHD:

• Inattention: Difficulty in paying attention, does not follow-through on tasks, easily distracted, daydreams, makes careless mistakes and loses items.
• Hyperactivity: Seems to be moving all of the time, squirms, jumps and climbs on furniture and talks too much.
• Impulsivity: Acts and speaks without thinking, interrupts others, difficulty waiting for things and calls out answers before question is complete.

Types of ADHD
A child does not need to show all of the symptoms described above to be diagnosed with ADHD. Having one or more symptoms usually determines the type of ADHD.

• Inattentive Only: Not overly active and does not disrupt classroom or other activity. Most common with girls diagnosed with ADHD.

• Hyperactive/Impulsive: Shows both hyperactive and impulsive behavior but can pay attention. Diagnosis is more frequent in younger children.
• Combined Inattentive/Hyperactive/Impulsive: Shows a combination of symptoms in each of the behavioral categories. This is the most common diagnosis of ADHD.

Treatment of ADHD
ADHD must be managed as there is no cure at this time. Once diagnosed, the continuum of treatment is a collaboration of efforts among the child’s parents, educators, physician, additional health care providers and the child. Treatment for ADHD is usually multifaceted and may include:

• Behavioral Therapy: Therapists can help parents and children set realistic goals on behavior and school work. 
• Medication: Your child’s physician may recommend a stimulant to relieve ADHD symptoms.
• Social Skills Training: Training courses can help parents deal with ADHD behaviors in a positive way. Children can learn appropriate behaviors for school, home and various settings.  
• Education: All individuals involved in the child’s treatment need to understand what ADHD is and be fully aware of the child’s symptoms and treatment plan.

If you think your child has ADHD
Every child has moments when they have trouble listening to parents, paying attention or settling down from an excitable activity such as a family birthday party or heading off to a friend’s house to play. Even though these moments are frustrating for parents, it does not necessarily mean your child has a behavioral disorder. Children need to have the symptoms for at least 6 months, in 2 different setting, to meet criteria for the diagnosis.
If you are concerned that your child may have ADHD, ask other caregivers and educators to monitor your child’s behavior. Document your findings and discuss this with your child’s physician. Your child’s doctor may look for other co-existing conditions such as depression, anxiety or a learning disability.
Contact your child’s physician with any questions you have about your child’s health.


Q & A for ADHD (answered by Elizabeth Hastreiter, APRN)
Can my child outgrow ADHD?
A child doesn’t necessarily outgrow ADD or ADHD, but most learn to adapt their learning and working styles to fit into their lifestyles.  There are many successful adults with ADD/ADHD!
What can I do to help?
Keep the home environment simple by eliminating distractions while doing homework.  The tv and music should be turned off, and don’t allow other siblings to distract your child.  Gentle reminders or cues to stay on task are helpful.  Nagging can be counter productive and create unwanted power struggles!
Homeopathic and herbal supplements have not been found to be clinically effective in increasing attention span. Consistent rules, discipline, consequences and a predictable routine are quite helpful in addition to the medications prescribed by your healthcare provider.
 It is also important to find activities at which your child can succeed.  Reward him when he does well in difficult tasks as well as those he masters.



Proud Mama To

Toilet and Potty Training Help

Before you begin toilet or potty training, there are some things you should know.  But more importantly, there are some steps you need to follow.  The following tips and guidelines will help you be successful when it comes time for training.
Wait!  Before You Begin Toilet Training

Make sure you and your child are ready for toilet training.  These guidelines will help you determine if everyone is ready and what to do before you begin training.

Starting Toilet Training: The 7 P Plan

Once you have determined that you and your child are ready, this article will walk you through the steps necessary for successful toilet training.
Intensive Toilet Training

If you are fed up with messy pants and diapers, or if your day care insists your child be potty trained, then this may be the trailing plan for you and your child.
Positive Practice For Wetting Accidents

Positive practice involves working with the child in an intensive practice of what he or she should have done – the positive alternative – instead of having an accident.






Proud Mama To